Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection by John Gottman and Julie Schwarts Gottman

This book was similar to Gottman's other books. It also felt a little more commercial. There were a few references to the Gottman Referral Network to find a counselor.

Content-wise the book was good. It provided a number of anecdotes of couples with descriptions of their outcomes. Some avoid conflict, some are always fighting, while others are validators. Couples with any characteristics can have successful marriages.  Some of the keys are to make sure that positive communication significantly outnumbers negative communication. Starting a fight with positive can help lead to better outcome. Looking at the dreams and underlying reasons can help to lead to better outcome. Fights are often about "nothing". There is an an underlying reason for the differences, but the fight is about the surface. The underlying values need to be addressed to reach a true conclusion. Sometimes there won't be a solution. (You can't have "half a child"). In most cases, however, there can be a solution by looking at the "bagel" of most important values.

What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal

What makes a relationship successful? It seems like something that you would just know. However, Dr. Gottman set about studying the details. The book has a series of "tests" to analyze the relationship. Some parts are simple. Do people focus on the good or the bad? Are their positive past recollections even when times are currently difficult? Or are the past experiences colored with negativity?

He also provides details of choosing an appropriate therapist when needed. One that encourages people to just "get over" past challenges is not helpful. If there has been some harm or betrayal, this must be fully understood and worked through before getting "over it".

The physical relationship is also an important part of a good relationship. This is an area that is often rife with miscommunication. People have different goals and feelings regarding intimacy. It is important to bring these out in the open and not assume the partner feels the same.

A relationship will never be perfect. However, people need to continual work together to improve it. It would be interesting to strap on some of the monitors that he talks about to evaluate conversations in the process. Maybe we can apply scientific analysis to ourselves to better understand what we are feeling "in the moment". (Then again, watching our recorded "fights" may be especially cringe-worthy.)

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, Revised and Updated

This book is part narrative and part laundry list of actions based on Gottman's relationship research. Successful marriages don't avoid conflict. However, they know how to deal with it. Couples need to identify areas that are negotiable and those that are not. Spend time on the areas where benefit can be achieved. There are also key areas in which men and women often differ. These seem to be present throughout different cultures. Males tend to take a stronger role of authority. Women tend to value cleaning more and are more concerned about feelings. There are many other things that tend to be over-represented in one gender (though that they are applicable to all couples or individuals.)

The seven principles include:

1. Share Love Maps

2. Nurture Your Fondness & Admiration

3. Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

6. Overcome Gridlock

7. Create Shared Meaning

The book does not advocate a one size fits all "quick fix" to marital problems. The preferred approach may differ from couple to couple. However, using the principles as a guide for building the relationship is highly correlated with a lasting marriage.

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

The key to having an emotionally intelligent child is emotion coaching. This often involves empathizing with children when they are having strong emotional fillings. They need to understand that it is normal to have feelings, but that they need to learn to act appropriately. It is, however, not appropriate to engage in emotion coaching all the time. If a parent has an urgent need to attend to, a child can sense that he is not getting full attention. Similarly, when the child is engaging in poor behavior, the behavior must also be addressed. Emotion coaching makes sense, but properly carrying it out in the heat of the moment is a challenge.
The book provides some tips on emotion coaching as well as ways to assess the style of parent you are. Some of examples of parenting types seem counter-intuitive, but do make sense when looked at in detail. It is also important to assess the behavior towards others in the family. Parents tend to suffer greatly when parents undergo divorce. However, it is often the fighting and lack of empathy in unresolved conflicts that are the issues. The actual separation is just a small add on to the otherwise poorly modeled behavior. Children need to feel that their parents empathize with their struggles. Parents should not belittle things that the child feels are important. The parent should also help children to make the decisions on their own. That is how they build experience and learn how to manage their strong feelings.

Ten Lesson to Transform Your Marriage

Ten Lessons to Transfrom Your Marriage provides detailed analysis of conversations by couples in different situations. Each utterance by one of the partners is graded with a "plus" or "minus" with reasons why. On eof the kye points is to let each other express their feelings with empathy before jumping into problem solving. There is a tendency to behave in ways with somebody that you have spent time with in ways that you would not behave in polite conversation. One common problem is attacking the person rather than the problem or situation. Trying to focus on building each other up can be much more productive than trying to "win". It also pays to understand that there are some "unresolvable differences" Those do not need to be dealbreakers. We just need to understand that they exist and find ways that both sides can be happy.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last

John Gottman did an extensive study on couples and how their relationships succeed or fail. The majority of marriages fail. However there are a number of signs of success. One key is to have 5 times as many "good" interactions as bad. A bad sign is when even initial memories of the marriage are recalled negatively.
He identified a few different types of personalities and their interactions. Some are very communicative. Some avoid conflict, while others appear to thrive on it. All styles can succeed with the proper effort. (Though mismatching styles can be challenging.
Some common problems seen include stonewalling. Often one person (often the man) will be so upset that they will not give way or communicate. Other problems include (usually erroneously) inferring negative thoughts or motives to the other party. The key to resolving issues is often as simple as being open with listening and communicating. People will often communicate fine with strangers, and then get into a rage with their spouse. Just because we know them well does not mean they don't have needs to be validated and respected.

And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives

John Gottman had made extensive study of what makes marriages succeed and fail. This book focuses on one of the key "stress points" of a marriage - the birth of a child. Children throw a knot in even a well-calibrated marriage. They provide joy but also stress. (3 AM feedings and diaper changes are never easy.) They also alter mom's hormones and dynamics in a relationship. this book was appropriately written with his wife who is also a psychologist. (Perhaps they will have a follow up written with their child?)
One of the key points is that life will change with baby. It becomes more difficult to keep communication open, but that is a requirement. Parenting styles may be different. Sexual desires and needs from each couple will also be very different. There must be work done to ensure that it is balanced appropriately. Maintaining intimacy and romance after baby requires more effort, but is important. It is also important to create new family traditions by synthesizing the traditions of each family. Neither couple should assume that things will be the same as they experienced growing up. It is also important to realize that your memories are more colored by later childhood and adulthood. The "young child" traditions take some time to cultivate and develop.
The involvement of mother and father are also very different. The father role is typically more playful and chaotic. The mother role is typically more guided and attentive to needs. Baby needs some of both. A couple that loves and respects each other will often be more helpful for the growth of baby than one that attempts to provide every last little benefit fad for the child. Couples should respect the different styles of parenting to help baby to be loved and develop well.