Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection by John Gottman and Julie Schwarts Gottman

This book was similar to Gottman's other books. It also felt a little more commercial. There were a few references to the Gottman Referral Network to find a counselor.

Content-wise the book was good. It provided a number of anecdotes of couples with descriptions of their outcomes. Some avoid conflict, some are always fighting, while others are validators. Couples with any characteristics can have successful marriages.  Some of the keys are to make sure that positive communication significantly outnumbers negative communication. Starting a fight with positive can help lead to better outcome. Looking at the dreams and underlying reasons can help to lead to better outcome. Fights are often about "nothing". There is an an underlying reason for the differences, but the fight is about the surface. The underlying values need to be addressed to reach a true conclusion. Sometimes there won't be a solution. (You can't have "half a child"). In most cases, however, there can be a solution by looking at the "bagel" of most important values.

Ten Lesson to Transform Your Marriage

Ten Lessons to Transfrom Your Marriage provides detailed analysis of conversations by couples in different situations. Each utterance by one of the partners is graded with a "plus" or "minus" with reasons why. On eof the kye points is to let each other express their feelings with empathy before jumping into problem solving. There is a tendency to behave in ways with somebody that you have spent time with in ways that you would not behave in polite conversation. One common problem is attacking the person rather than the problem or situation. Trying to focus on building each other up can be much more productive than trying to "win". It also pays to understand that there are some "unresolvable differences" Those do not need to be dealbreakers. We just need to understand that they exist and find ways that both sides can be happy.

And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives

John Gottman had made extensive study of what makes marriages succeed and fail. This book focuses on one of the key "stress points" of a marriage - the birth of a child. Children throw a knot in even a well-calibrated marriage. They provide joy but also stress. (3 AM feedings and diaper changes are never easy.) They also alter mom's hormones and dynamics in a relationship. this book was appropriately written with his wife who is also a psychologist. (Perhaps they will have a follow up written with their child?)
One of the key points is that life will change with baby. It becomes more difficult to keep communication open, but that is a requirement. Parenting styles may be different. Sexual desires and needs from each couple will also be very different. There must be work done to ensure that it is balanced appropriately. Maintaining intimacy and romance after baby requires more effort, but is important. It is also important to create new family traditions by synthesizing the traditions of each family. Neither couple should assume that things will be the same as they experienced growing up. It is also important to realize that your memories are more colored by later childhood and adulthood. The "young child" traditions take some time to cultivate and develop.
The involvement of mother and father are also very different. The father role is typically more playful and chaotic. The mother role is typically more guided and attentive to needs. Baby needs some of both. A couple that loves and respects each other will often be more helpful for the growth of baby than one that attempts to provide every last little benefit fad for the child. Couples should respect the different styles of parenting to help baby to be loved and develop well.