Fleishman is in Trouble

Fleishman Is in Trouble: A Novel by Taffy Brodesser-Akner

Dr. Fleishman is a short in stature hepatologist who is getting a divorce. He is spending time on dating apps and finding it easy to meet and engage in sexual relations with women (the details of which are described in too much detail.) He also reconnects with a few old friends - the womanizing guy and the writer turned housewife woman. His ex drops off the kids earlier than she was supposed to. He adjusts his work and child care schedules to be able to watch them. Then his ex doesn't show up for over a week after she was supposed to pick them up. He has more child care challenges and is required to take time off.  Alas, this happened to be the time he was due a promotion to subdivision head. He ends up not getting it, in part due to his lack of dedication to a job, even though he managed to care for a woman with a rare liver disease while dealing with his home issues.

Through the novel, we learn their history. He came from a good-sized Jewish family with many doctors. His wife, Rachel, was reluctantly raised by her grandmother after her father left and her mother died at a young age. He liked her because she was not weird. She seeks after wealth and status and has built up a creative agency. (She had gone on her own after she was turned down for promotion when she was pregnant - she tried to hide it, but people her upset with her for not telling.) She likes to hang with the wealthy. They have a house in the Hamptons and send their kids to a wealthy school. He would much rather keep things simple - he likes caring for patients rather than getting a high paying job. He has also done most of the childcare and cooking.

We also learn about their friends and family and see the events through their views. Many of his friends spent time together as exchange students in Israel. They have different challenges with their careers and relationships. His children are having issues growing up as tweens in the ages of technology.  

The book focuses on Fleishman's history. Rachel comes off as absolutely horrible, despite his efforts to support her. Then at the end, we she is up to. She lost her best client, had a nervous breakdown and was doing very poorly. From her side, she didn't want a divorce, but did not feel she her husband was properly supporting her. 

The different views help to see the challenges in communication and relationships. It is not easy. Both sides seem to be correct in isolation. There need to make the requisite sacrifices. The book would have been better if it were not set in such wealthy circles with so much vulgarity. 

BETTER THAN THE FAIRY TALE: Creating a Fulfilling Marriage For Every Season of Your Life

BETTER THAN THE FAIRY TALE: Creating a Fulfilling Marriage For Every Season of Your Life by Gloria Groberg Hubble

The seasons of the year can provide ideas to help improve your marriage. There are different things that happen that can inspire or relate to things that you should (or should not do in a marriage.) This concise book provides some good food for thought for things that can be helpful, as well as examples of how they have worked in practice. 

Ten Secrets for Achieving a Successful Celestial Marriage

Ten Secrets for Achieving a Successful Celestial Marriage by Laura Nielson Denke

In this book, Laura presents the ten secrets of a successful marriage to a youngish couple and we get to observe. The style helps bring the narrative. We are not just presented with advice to follow, but see the process of the couple taking it in. Sometimes it is easy to follow the advice. Other times it is much more challenging. We see their real-world challenges as well as the stories of others who have faced struggles related to the points being discussed. 

The target audience is members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that have been married in the temple for eternity. Some of the "secrets" are very specific for the audience. Other "secrets" are more general. There are numerous references to general marriage experts such as John Gottman as well as religious leaders. 

Marriage is a two-party institution. Both most work together for success. Trying to change the other person is an exercise in futility. However, changing the way you behave can bring about some success, even if the other person is not fully engaged. If both are living the "platinum" rule, there is the highest chance of success.

It is also interesting to see details from the life of the author and understand how it relates. The book was written in the late 1990s, so some parts of it do show their time. (It was interesting to read about them receiving something by fax!) It is interesting how the world has changed in 25 years, though the principles of a successful partnership remain similar.

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection by John Gottman and Julie Schwarts Gottman

This book was similar to Gottman's other books. It also felt a little more commercial. There were a few references to the Gottman Referral Network to find a counselor.

Content-wise the book was good. It provided a number of anecdotes of couples with descriptions of their outcomes. Some avoid conflict, some are always fighting, while others are validators. Couples with any characteristics can have successful marriages.  Some of the keys are to make sure that positive communication significantly outnumbers negative communication. Starting a fight with positive can help lead to better outcome. Looking at the dreams and underlying reasons can help to lead to better outcome. Fights are often about "nothing". There is an an underlying reason for the differences, but the fight is about the surface. The underlying values need to be addressed to reach a true conclusion. Sometimes there won't be a solution. (You can't have "half a child"). In most cases, however, there can be a solution by looking at the "bagel" of most important values.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, Revised and Updated

This book is part narrative and part laundry list of actions based on Gottman's relationship research. Successful marriages don't avoid conflict. However, they know how to deal with it. Couples need to identify areas that are negotiable and those that are not. Spend time on the areas where benefit can be achieved. There are also key areas in which men and women often differ. These seem to be present throughout different cultures. Males tend to take a stronger role of authority. Women tend to value cleaning more and are more concerned about feelings. There are many other things that tend to be over-represented in one gender (though that they are applicable to all couples or individuals.)

The seven principles include:

1. Share Love Maps

2. Nurture Your Fondness & Admiration

3. Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

6. Overcome Gridlock

7. Create Shared Meaning

The book does not advocate a one size fits all "quick fix" to marital problems. The preferred approach may differ from couple to couple. However, using the principles as a guide for building the relationship is highly correlated with a lasting marriage.

The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work

In The All-or-Nothing Marriage, Northwestern psychology professor Eli Finkel starts with a history of marriage and relationships in western society. Then he proceeds to cover some of the latest research and dispense with some advice on how to make marriages work.

Gender roles have an interesting place in marriage relationships. In hunter-gatherer societies, men often hunted, while women gathered. (Women would do this even when pregnant.) On the farm, there were also distinct gender roles, with men often engaged with more hard labor in the field, while women would tend to things closer to home. The children were also heavily involved in production at home. At the initial stages of industrialization, children were also valuable laborers. However, this gradually faded. Men and women tended to focus on different types of jobs. During world war 2, many women worked in factories, while men were fighting the war. There were many marriages made before soldiers went off to war. However, these would often fail as people changed during the time away.

The post-war era brought a unique period for society. The GI Bill provided incentives for former soldiers (men). Jobs were abundant and high paying. Industrialized society also experienced a historic increase in birth rate. Families could afford to have the wife stay at home, while the husband went to work. However, even as this was happening, a great number of labor-saving devices reduced the amount of time needed to take care of the household chores. Eventually, the birth rate went down, and more women joined the workforce.

Marriage has gradually worked up Maslow's pyramid. Early marriage offered basic needs and protection. Today, people are often looking for self-discovery and fulfillment. This book provides some life "hacks" to help achieve a quality marriage. Some things are as simple as discussing how each spouse can help the other to achieve their mutual goals. Others explore different aspects of traditional and non-traditional marriage.

Ten Lesson to Transform Your Marriage

Ten Lessons to Transfrom Your Marriage provides detailed analysis of conversations by couples in different situations. Each utterance by one of the partners is graded with a "plus" or "minus" with reasons why. On eof the kye points is to let each other express their feelings with empathy before jumping into problem solving. There is a tendency to behave in ways with somebody that you have spent time with in ways that you would not behave in polite conversation. One common problem is attacking the person rather than the problem or situation. Trying to focus on building each other up can be much more productive than trying to "win". It also pays to understand that there are some "unresolvable differences" Those do not need to be dealbreakers. We just need to understand that they exist and find ways that both sides can be happy.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last

John Gottman did an extensive study on couples and how their relationships succeed or fail. The majority of marriages fail. However there are a number of signs of success. One key is to have 5 times as many "good" interactions as bad. A bad sign is when even initial memories of the marriage are recalled negatively.
He identified a few different types of personalities and their interactions. Some are very communicative. Some avoid conflict, while others appear to thrive on it. All styles can succeed with the proper effort. (Though mismatching styles can be challenging.
Some common problems seen include stonewalling. Often one person (often the man) will be so upset that they will not give way or communicate. Other problems include (usually erroneously) inferring negative thoughts or motives to the other party. The key to resolving issues is often as simple as being open with listening and communicating. People will often communicate fine with strangers, and then get into a rage with their spouse. Just because we know them well does not mean they don't have needs to be validated and respected.

And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives

John Gottman had made extensive study of what makes marriages succeed and fail. This book focuses on one of the key "stress points" of a marriage - the birth of a child. Children throw a knot in even a well-calibrated marriage. They provide joy but also stress. (3 AM feedings and diaper changes are never easy.) They also alter mom's hormones and dynamics in a relationship. this book was appropriately written with his wife who is also a psychologist. (Perhaps they will have a follow up written with their child?)
One of the key points is that life will change with baby. It becomes more difficult to keep communication open, but that is a requirement. Parenting styles may be different. Sexual desires and needs from each couple will also be very different. There must be work done to ensure that it is balanced appropriately. Maintaining intimacy and romance after baby requires more effort, but is important. It is also important to create new family traditions by synthesizing the traditions of each family. Neither couple should assume that things will be the same as they experienced growing up. It is also important to realize that your memories are more colored by later childhood and adulthood. The "young child" traditions take some time to cultivate and develop.
The involvement of mother and father are also very different. The father role is typically more playful and chaotic. The mother role is typically more guided and attentive to needs. Baby needs some of both. A couple that loves and respects each other will often be more helpful for the growth of baby than one that attempts to provide every last little benefit fad for the child. Couples should respect the different styles of parenting to help baby to be loved and develop well.

Some thoughts on Marriage

Marriage is a religious rite that has been adopted as a secular legal institution. As a religious rite, it is up to the individual religions to decide how it gets managed. There is not a whole lot of debate on the religious rite aspects. Most American religions maintain a traditional monogamist heterosexual definition of marriage. There are also religions that condone polygamy and others that allow same-sex marriage. You could probably find others that have other definitions or attitudes about the rite.

Since this religious institution was so common, the secular government has found the rite to be useful base for its legal institutions. It had already been adopted by the dominant religion and had been extremely useful in regulating standard relationships among people.

Initially, marriage was used in part to regulate sexual activity. This has largely been dropped from current legal framework. (You don't see many people bearing scarlet A's in this country.) Alas, there is very little in strong legal framework to replace it. Sex crimes are some of the most strongly punished crimes, with people required to be on registries even after serving the sentence. Yet, the barrier between legal and not legal is in the mind of the participants. If it is consensual (and both parties are deemed capable of providing consent) then it is legal. If one person does not provide "legal" consent, then it is a heinous crime. Alas, there is no formal means for providing consent. (You don't see people filling out a "consent" contract.) So, it comes down to what people thought at the time. In attempt to protect the harmed, the names of victims are not reported in the media; however no protection is given for the names of the accused. (Alas, this can open the system for abuse, as somebody can remain anonymous while dragging another's name through the mud.)

Marriage has also been used as a means of regulating reproductive activity. Potential partners are required to have a sufficiently different genetic history in order to provide a diverse "breeding stock". (Marriage among immediate family members is prohibited.) Blood tests were often performed to check for irregularity. Regulations were also made to require similar racial status of partners. (People of similar races were deemed preferred.) There have also been regulations on mental status of the partners. Today, however, the government for the most part has dropped out of the eugenics business, with only a few rules remaining.

Marriage is a valuable institution for ensuring the children are properly cared for. Records can also be traced to determine genetic history and propensity towards various diseases. Marriage provides rights and benefits for both parents to provide for a basic level of care for the children. While the government is still heavily involved in child care, it has been doing so largely outside of the realms of marriage. Many children are born to unmarried parents or even to mothers who are not sure who the father is. Marriage can be used to help determine custody and responsibility for children, but marriage is often not involved when there are problems.

Another useful aspect of marriage is in providing a legal framework for the relationship among different people. A marriage is deemed to be an implicit legal contract with many rights and responsibilities. The tax system provides both benefits and penalties for those that are married. There are also rights for inheritance, medical directives and other areas. These rights are granted based on marriage. Most of these rights can also be obtained through legal activity. However, the tax status is perhaps the only thing that can only be obtained through state-recognized marriage.

So where does that leave the current marriage debate? Basically, the secular use of marriage has been debased of most of its legal utility. Most of the "obligations" are now assumed outside of actual marriage. However, there are still a number of legal benefits reserved for those that are married. And now, through the courts, there is an attempt to extend the remaining benefits to homosexual couples under the name of "gay marriage".

On the surface, the idea sounds noble. It appears to be extending equality. After all, interracial marriage was once restricted, but now is accepted. Why not extend same-sex marriage? Alas, the big issue is the nature of marriage as a religious institution. The secular definition at one time was tightly intertwined with the religious definition. Now most of the secular purposes have significantly diverged from the legal purposes?

Why don't we separate marriage and secular unions? The "secular" version would be a special form of legal partnership. Like other partnerships, it would not discriminate based on age, sex, race, family relation or anything else. It would also allow multiple participants. Dissolving the partnership or breaking the agreements would require going through the appropriate channels in the legal system. Existing marriages and domestic partnerships would retain their same rates and be migrated in to the new legal system. Same-sex partners would now gain all the legal rights they desire. (No longer would there be a differentiation between some state laws and federal tax status,) Polygamous relationships could also be officially recognized. (No longer would only one spouse get the "privilege" of marriage.) Even family members could adopt this status. (Two siblings could receive the benefits of the partnership even with purely filial relationships.) This solves most of the "issues" gay-marriage advocates are attempting to solve as well as the more quiet "issues" of many others. It also keeps the government more clearly out of the religious realm. Marriage could then be strengthened as a strong family religious relationship.