Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts

Negotiations over dollars and contracts can be fairly straightforward. Each side wants to get ahead and is willing to give and take a little to get what they desire. However, when emotions and deeply held values are at at stake, things become much more thorny. How do you negotiate when each side has "unchangeable" values that must be respected. Daniel Shapiro provides clues to help us recognize different "non-negotiables" and to successfully work with them. He describes many situations that he has dealt with. In one example, he divides a group up into 6 small groups. Each group much come to consensus on a number of difficult questions (such as should the death penalty be allowed). After each group has come to agreement, all the groups must come together and agree to a consensus within a few negotiating rounds or the earth will be destroyed. Despite only recently adopting their group values, each individual tribe held to them. In almost all cases, the earth ended up being destroyed before the team could reach a conclusion. In another role-play, a group was divided into groups, with one group gradually accumulating more wealth in the came. The "haves" were pulled out to a fancy area to plan the rules going forward. The "have nots" mutinied and refused to even listen to the plan of the "haves" - even though there plan was to ensure that the have-nots benefited more. They saw the group as "them" and could not trust them. They were out of tribe.
This "tribe" behavior often happens in the real world, with nations, religions and even sports teams. The attachment is real, even if illogical.
Deeply held values can also be a stumbling block in negotiations. If the two sides hold different, unmovable values, how do you negotiate a common solution? Often the solution is to explore the root value. Is there a solution that can satisfy both sides without compromising values. (An example given was a wife who wanted a Christmas tree for what it represented growing up with her father. The husband did not want one because they were raising their kids Jewish and it would not be appropriate. The solution they came up with was to visit Grandpa on Christmas with the Christmas tree, thereby providing for the memories and keeping their home pure to the Judism.)
Convenient means like problem solving and positional bargaining are often insufficient for resolving emotionally charged conflicts. We can often get in a state of what the author calls "Vertigo". Time passes. Each side is intent on "winning" the conflict and emotion takes over. Participants lose awareness of the outside world and lets emotions take over a negative focus. You need to work to jolt yourself out of this state. Sometimes a surprise or bringing in a legitimate authority can help to break free. A somewhat similar problem is the repetition compulsion. In that, the argument just goes in autopilot as both sides repeat the same thing that has been said before. It is tougher to deal with. It is helpful to identify the "lure" to try to avoid the triggers and stop it before it starts.
Taboos can be both good and bad. Shared taboos are beneficial for a group. However, differing taboos can lead to conflict. Possible options include accepting, chiseling away at the taboo or tearing it down. The key is to find the best way to work around the taboo so that it doesn't interfere with decision making. Similar to taboos, varying sacred values can make agreement difficult. The author uses a scale of "Important, Pseudo-sacred, Sacred and Sacred Sacred" to describe the different degrees of sacredness. These are internal values that may or may not correspond to outward religious practices. To one party "keeping the house clean" is something important, while the other side sees it as a sacred value that must be kept. Understanding these differences can help resolve problems.
Emotionally charged conflicts can be very challenging. Understanding the values and identity that each party has can be very useful in reaching a resolution. Identifying the sources of emotional challenge can help to avoid the pitfalls and obtain a peaceful resolution. The book provides many useful tools for what will be a challenging process.